I honestly....
feel like I need to make a decision
that im living my life in never ending limbo
i want to make some major life changes and I feel like im so afraid to take the "leap"
yeah if I dont then I might regret it for the rest of my life.
im just scared, that's all it is, plain old fashioned fear....
one of these days, ill take the leap............one of these days.....
Stress.....
....I am not handling it well these days.
I think with the kind of environment I grew up in, that when I got older i'd be able to deal with a good amount of stress, but able to filter what is important and what isn't.
I can't do it anymore. I dont know if it's because I can't be bothered, I dont have the physical energy to deal with it anymore or I really really just dont care. I just feel most of the time so very lost.
I can't change people. I wish I could. I wish I could sometimes let others see what I see, hear what I hear and then subsequently feel the way I feel. Sounds almost like a hitler like existance doesn't it? DO it, DO IT NOW!
lol
I dont really mean it that way tho. I just wish that people would remove the rose coloured glasses and be able to see what is right in front of them. Hell I wish I was able to do it most of the time.
I think I care too much, that's what it is. That parts of me, while i'd like to say dont give two shits what other people think, deep down, I really and truly do. That need to "belong" to the group and be accepted, i've never been able to fully grow out of. I wish I could most of the time, break away from the norm and just not care. There was a time in my life that I was able to do that. I was most happiest then. These days, I just dont feel happy.
And I know it's affecting me. I dont sleep much anymore, I haven' t had a restful sleep in months. And to make matters worse, I've become so addicted to sugar that I litearlly at times feel like it's a drug. The only thing that makes me feel better. Tho, I guess in the bigger picture, sugar is better than say drugs or alcohol....but really, is it? "Yes andrea, your liver is in tack but your stomach has a MASSIVE hole from the sugar you consume"...
yeah...might be time to walk away from the sugar......well...maybe....soon.....ok, yeah who am I kidding..I ain't putting it down JUST yet.....my mothers coming to town...
;-)
HAIR BANDS
yup...off to see TWO tonight.....(cheap trick is on the bill as well but really are they a HAIR band, no , I dont really think they fall in that category)
so cheap trick.......POISON...and the closer...Def Leopard.....
should be a great night of summertime temperatures....beer... (which I dont drink but seems to go with the theme of hairbands)......kicking it back outside with our "lawn" seats and since there is a group of 12 of us going...should be lots of laughter
sidenote..the EX best friend is going with her idiot drunken boyfriend, who btw, loves to, if we ever run into each other at various concert venues, start shit with me, even when I really REALLY dont feel the need to engage in conversations with either of them......I just wanna go and have a good time....tho I can't help but admit, the inner bitch in me wouldn't mind pushing them both down the hill at the venue..........I wouldn't, but hey can't I at least FANTASIZE about it????
I feel
on most days of late im drowning
in emotions that im not ready to deal with and I should be dammit it's almost been a year and a half now.
I dont know what im going to do
I think maybe im just scared to take the leap and im almost 100% sure I have to take
or im going to lose myself
ok....
I supposed that last post was just a bit too general, without the specifics that are currently clouding my thoughts...
I feel like so many people are trying so desperately to be someone they just aren't
and I can't figure it out. I mean seriously why would ANYONE want to spend hours at a time trying to be someone they aren't. It must be exhausting
and then to invest time in getting to know that person only to find out that they dupped you, they aren't that person at all.
I keep a small group of friends, more and more it proves to me just why I do that. I dont want to be around people who are afraid to be themselves and are scared of their own faults.
I have lots of faults, TONS in fact, but I dont let them define me, I dont allow them to overshadow who I am.
Everyone is entitled to an opinion of another person, it's true. And I welcome anyone's opinion of me, HOWEVER with one condition....dont feel you can have an opinion about me without having your own faults on display....that is my only stipulation. I dont think you can walk around judging and having opinions about others unless you are willing to put yourself on full display as well.
But hey, that's just how I see it....and from my experience, most people are afraid to go that far.
People...
seriously suck
I mean what else can I say BUT that
they totally 100% suck
I think there might be like 1-2 that I personally know of that dont
everyone else is just a fake version of what they REALLY need to step up and admit they are
GAWD
Christmas......
Truly brings out the best AND worse in people....
I find myself bouncing between the two...however random christmas thoughts ARE in order....so here we go...
Weight watchers is a REAL problem this time of year, just let me put that out there..with all the cookies and chocolates and stuff that people have out...christ even going to the STORES is a challenge....im thinking of having food delivered for the next few weeks just so I dont have to go out....but hey I lost a pound this week so yeah me!
I wanna go out and go ice skating...even tobogganing.....now I just have to convince my inner self that dressing up warmly will matter and I wont freeze to death while outside....THAT argument should take me to spring and then it wont be an issue....
I love to be outside in this weather tho...I love it when it's snowing...so the above statement was clearly written by my alter ego "mz crabpants" as I like to call her....or DQ to those special few who've dubbed her that....
I have to go to the liquor store...cause well, one needs liquor at christmas...all that family....small confinded space of a living room..presents and paper galore......one needs to liquidly medicate......maybe that's just me......oh well..moving on...
Im DONE my shopping and im all wrapped too..all presents under tree.....$20 says i'll STILL be out on christmas eve picking shit up tho....it's bound to happen....
I have my turkey......small for me 14 lbs..I think because of the weather there will only be 3 of us at dinner..lol.........guess im eating turkey for 2 weeks..oh well..I like the BIRD...
ok, so out to shovel.....I mean we HAVE a snowblower..but I like to contribute...cause really snowblowing is a BOYS job (hey im all for girls can do what boys can do...but seriously I like to LABEL things when I dont want to do them..I admit that....and really I dont want to snowblow.....)...but I consider my shoveling the stoop and the front walkway contribution.....
MERRY HO HO to ALL!!!
I hope everyone had a GREAT halloween
I sure did!!!
