Awesome!

I have slept! Omg ifeel so awesome it's amazing what a great night of sleep can do. Tho now I that I have caught up on my sleep a bit my senses are higtened and I'm noticing more around me

Fawk there are sone awful people driving these days...... Alas that is for another post

lol

Argh....

I haven't slept truly in days, I feel that most nights I get up at least 3-4 times.  Im actually going out after work today to get an herbal type remedy that was recommended by a friend just in the hopes that I might get 8 solid hours tonight.....oh the joy of 8 hours of sleep.....seems like such a little thing I realize at this moment but right now, it's all im thinking about.

I feel blah.  I can't shake this blah feeling.  I need a BLAH shaker.....suggestions welcome...

i hate feeling like I have no motivation whatsoever.  Im not a sitter, I dont ever sit still and yet lately all I ever want to do is sit still.  Seems like Im in a funk.

i need to be de-funked....

New year

New decisions, new directions.

I am all about looking forward, not backwards so it's time to proceed in said direction.
There are days when i just want to stay in bed and hide under the covers.  Unfortunately people are going to come looking, that I know for sure.

I want it all to be over with now, the leaving, the separation, the want for a new life.
I know it's just not going to be as easy as I want it to be.  Or will it?

Time will tell I guess, but I know it's what I want to do now
i've tried, tried for 2 years to make something work that I know is just never going to be back to the level it used to be.  And I dont want to settle

so here I am, New year, New Blog look, New me

now if I wasn't just so damn scared......

I honestly....

feel like I need to make a decision
that im living my life in never ending limbo

i want to make some major life changes and I feel like im so afraid to take the "leap"
yeah if I dont then I might regret it for the rest of my life.

im just scared, that's all it is, plain old fashioned fear....

one of these days, ill take the leap............one of these days.....

Stress.....

....I am not handling it well these days.

I think with the kind of environment I grew up in, that when I got older i'd be able to deal with a good amount of stress, but able to filter what is important and what isn't.

I can't do it anymore. I dont know if it's because I can't be bothered, I dont have the physical energy to deal with it anymore or I really really just dont care. I just feel most of the time so very lost.

I can't change people. I wish I could. I wish I could sometimes let others see what I see, hear what I hear and then subsequently feel the way I feel. Sounds almost like a hitler like existance doesn't it? DO it, DO IT NOW!

lol

I dont really mean it that way tho. I just wish that people would remove the rose coloured glasses and be able to see what is right in front of them. Hell I wish I was able to do it most of the time.

I think I care too much, that's what it is. That parts of me, while i'd like to say dont give two shits what other people think, deep down, I really and truly do. That need to "belong" to the group and be accepted, i've never been able to fully grow out of. I wish I could most of the time, break away from the norm and just not care. There was a time in my life that I was able to do that. I was most happiest then. These days, I just dont feel happy.

And I know it's affecting me. I dont sleep much anymore, I haven' t had a restful sleep in months. And to make matters worse, I've become so addicted to sugar that I litearlly at times feel like it's a drug. The only thing that makes me feel better. Tho, I guess in the bigger picture, sugar is better than say drugs or alcohol....but really, is it? "Yes andrea, your liver is in tack but your stomach has a MASSIVE hole from the sugar you consume"...

yeah...might be time to walk away from the sugar......well...maybe....soon.....ok, yeah who am I kidding..I ain't putting it down JUST yet.....my mothers coming to town...

;-)

HAIR BANDS

yup...off to see TWO tonight.....(cheap trick is on the bill as well but really are they a HAIR band, no , I dont really think they fall in that category)

so cheap trick.......POISON...and the closer...Def Leopard.....

should be a great night of summertime temperatures....beer... (which I dont drink but seems to go with the theme of hairbands)......kicking it back outside with our "lawn" seats and since there is a group of 12 of us going...should be lots of laughter

sidenote..the EX best friend is going with her idiot drunken boyfriend, who btw, loves to, if we ever run into each other at various concert venues, start shit with me, even when I really REALLY dont feel the need to engage in conversations with either of them......I just wanna go and have a good time....tho I can't help but admit, the inner bitch in me wouldn't mind pushing them both down the hill at the venue..........I wouldn't, but hey can't I at least FANTASIZE about it????

I feel

on most days of late im drowning
in emotions that im not ready to deal with and I should be dammit it's almost been a year and a half now.
I dont know what im going to do
I think maybe im just scared to take the leap and im almost 100% sure I have to take

or im going to lose myself